So… It’s been a while.
I’m not proud of having neglected this blog for so long – I’ll confess that I haven’t dared to look at the date of the last post to figure out exactly how long it has been. But it’s difficult to update here if I don’t actually go to training.
Although I have gone to the salle a couple of times during this blog silence, every time I visit feels like the first because of how long I’ve been absent. Other things have been taking up my time and attention, and even when I could have gone, I was afraid. I was – and am – afraid of failing, of exposing my weakness in front of strangers, of being the ridiculous, awkward, wanna-be swordswoman.
Today I’m going to training again. I expect to feel ridiculous, clumsy, weak, and clueless. But I also expect to go unnoticed. Whatever my brain is telling me, training is not about me. Not only will no one judge me half as harshly as I do, but I don’t expect them to be thinking of me at all. They’ll be too busy paying attention to the exercises and swords – as I should be.
What’s more, I expect to feel happy. For all the gut-wrenching nervousness I’ve always felt about going sword fighting, there have only been a very few times I’ve honestly regretted it. I only wish I wouldn’t forget that.